Keep the Tofurkey, Bring on the Beer!
by MrsSpaceCowboy
Summary: Bella Swan wants an escort for Thanksgiving weekend. Edward Cullen wants a second chance. Charlie wants to know where Renee hid the key to his gun safe. Happy Thanksgiving! *First Place and Funniest Popular Vote in the Twilight of Craigslist Contest*
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**In other words, S Meyer owns Twilight. I own a big, happy grin. **

**This oneshot was originally posted on 12/3/11 as an entry for Part II of the Twilight of Craigslist Fanfic Contest. I am tickled pink (please excuse the Southernism) that it won the First Place Popular Vote, a Second Place Judge's Choice from VampsHaveLaws, and a Third Place Popular Vote for Funniest. Wow. Just wow. The ad in this oneshot was my submission for Part I of the contest. It tied for Second Place in the Funniest category. **

**I would like to thank HollettLA from Sparkly Red Pen for beta services. This was a long piece, and she did a great job. I would also like to thank her for her kind words about the story. **

**Also, I have to thank my sis for pre-reading and telling me to submit this in the first place. **

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed and voted during the contest. And last, but certainly not least, thank you to the contest hosts: Nayarit, Wonderwallthefirst, and InYourHonor1211.**

**For those who asked for more…See the A/N at the bottom. **

**Warning: Rated M for foul language and holiday copulation. **

**Now, let's get on with it already….**

**-o-**

**BPOV**

_Oh, dear God. What the fuck happened last night?_

This must be an operating table. There is bright light overhead, and my body feels like the Hulk used it as a punching bag. Something cold and wet is dragging across my face.

I am assaulted by a blast of potent dog breath. Definitely not a hospital. Thank goodness.

"Heidi," I croak. _Damn, my mouth tastes like ass._ "Come and get this damn dog!"

I love my roommate's Dachshund, Wolfgang, but right now I need to figure out what the hell happened last night and why I am waking up on the floor. I can't do that while he is trying to lick my nostrils clean.

"Good morning, sunshine," Heidi says to me as she scoops the dog from my chest.

I drag myself up from the floor. I still have on the same clothes from last night, and there is no puke on them. That's a good sign.

I brush my teeth three times before spending thirty minutes in a steaming shower. Thankfully, it's Saturday. I don't have anything to do until yoga class this afternoon. My iPhone pings three times while I am dressing.

"Stupid Facebook notifications," I mutter as I pull a white sweater over my head.

Memories from the bar last night are surfacing. Heidi and I met a couple of cute guys and let them buy us drinks for an hour. I'm pretty sure I molested the blond one on the dance floor. He was totally into it, and we were all walking to the parking lot when shit just derailed. In my drunken stupor, I asked him to come to Forks with me for Thanksgiving.

Nothing screams _psycho _like meeting a guy and asking him to come home and meet your family before you even know his last name. Good one.

I blame Heidi. She made me tell her the story of Arnold and his creepy, cold hands again during dinner last night. Thanksgiving dinner ended with a bang last year. Dad had to drive Arnold to the emergency room. I jammed a fork into the man's thigh, and he was still trying to grope me in the hospital waiting room. Pervert. Finally, Charlie sat between us, ending his advances.

It's Heidi's favorite story. She gets off on my humiliation.

I reach for my phone and bring up my email account. There are over fifty messages in my inbox. A very clear memory of Heidi laughing over her laptop assaults me.

_She didn't. _

We were joking about posting a Craigslist ad for a bodyguard. At least, I _thought _we were joking.

The reply email address is bizarre, so I open it.

_From: OTR_BigRig_85(at)gmail(dot)com_

_I'm a professional truck driver and it just so happens I'll be in your neck of the woods during the requested dates. I have a BIG RIG and I'm always in it for the LONG HAUL. _

"Heidi?" I call frantically. "Why is some trucker emailing me about his _big rig_?"

"Oh, my God," she says from the kitchen.

I find her hunched over the laptop.

"What is it?" I have to ask because she's blocking my view of the screen.

"Don't be mad, okay?" She still won't let me see it.

"Why would I be mad?"

She moves and gestures to the open Craigslist ad on the screen. I lean in closer, eyes widening as my eyes skim over the page. It's all there in black and white.

**Free Tofurkey and Beer!**

**Seeking Bodyguard/Fake Boyfriend (Thanksgiving Weekend Only) (Forks, WA area)**

**Date: 2011-10-01, 1:47AM PDT**

**Reply to: handsofftheswan (at) craigslist (dot) org**

**I'm looking for a brave guy to protect me from my mother's massage therapist during Thanksgiving break. Last year, he tried to give me an under the table "massage" until I stabbed him with my fork.  
><strong>

**Eligible Candidates:**

**-Must be available Wednesday evening (11/23) – Sunday (11/27)**

**-Must not have a wife, girlfriend, fuck buddy or anyone else that would want to kick my ass for taking you away for the weekend. This is not negotiable.**

**-Must endure a four hour drive to Forks.**

**-Should be accustomed to firearms. My dad is the local police chief.**

**-Should NOT have any type of sage allergy. The dressing will be loaded with sage and my mother will likely smudge you with sage before allowing you to enter the house.**

**-Must be willing to let my mother, aka the Reiki Master, handle your chakras.**

**-Must like kids or at least be willing to pretend. My sister-in-law practices natural family planning. Poorly.**

**-Must act as a shield between me and the pervert. All weekend. Seriously…I do not want that creep to ever touch me again.**

**-May be required to engage in light physical contact and feign affection in front of my family and the pervert. Sex is not required, but may occur if Gran makes after dinner margaritas this year. (Premature ejaculators can ignore the sex part)**

**-Will receive a delicious home cooked Thanksgiving dinner which includes a choice of Tofurkey or real Turkey.**

**-Must love beer. My dad will have cases of Vitamin R available for your consumption. He'll also expect you to watch sports with him.**

**Serious inquiries only.  
>No druggies. (Just in case you missed the part about my dad being a cop)<br>No geezers. (Ages 23-28 only, please!)  
>I look forward to your reply.<strong>

_I remember this! Sort of. _

There are definitely some things that Heidi threw in. Like the premature ejaculator part. There are some details you should never, ever share with your roommate, no matter how cool she might be. The last guy I had sex with was only good for six strokes. On a good day.

She also added the word "boyfriend." I guess it makes sense, though. I wouldn't have any other reason to take a guy home to Forks for Thanksgiving. Not that I plan on taking anyone who would actually answer this ad.

She could have shortened it to: Come home with me for Thanksgiving, deal with my batshit crazy family, keep a weirdo from touching me, and I'll ply you with free beer and food. Oh, and sex if my grandmother gets me drunk.

She's a pimp. Heidi is a pimp in disguise.

I'm almost late for yoga because Heidi and I spend the entire day reading the replies to our drunken madness. There are a ton of desperate, horny men looking for a hot Thanksgiving romp. Even the threat of Charlie's guns and badge doesn't scare them away.

We laugh all day and, while my initial reaction was embarrassment, now the whole thing is just funny. We decide to leave the ad up for a week or two. It will be free entertainment.

**EPOV**

"You're lucky I'm an alcoholic vegetarian," Tanya says as she lowers herself into the seat across from mine.

"Really?" I snort. "How so?"

Tanya has been my best friend since the second week of our freshman year at UW. She and her partner, Irina, took me under their wings and turned me into a man. Well, not like _that, _but they did teach me how to do keg stands, how to funnel beer, and how to hit on girls. They have absolutely been the secret of my success for the last five years.

She leans forward, staring directly into my eyes. "I found her, Edward."

My heart stutters a little in my chest because I'm pretty sure Tanya just said she found the girl I've been searching for since the night I ditched her at a Mexican restaurant during our first and, as it turns out, only date. That was six months ago.

_The first time I saw her was Valentine's Day. She came into the deli closest to the school where I was student teaching at the time. I stood behind her and tried not to sniff her as I listened to her order a turkey on wheat with lowfat mayo. _

_I thanked every god I could think of when she slid off her coat. Her ass looked fantastic in a pair of dark skinny jeans. _

_I tried to catch her eye as she left the counter, but she was busy scowling at something on her phone. I placed my own order, and then sat in the booth across from hers. _

"_Let me give you a clue, Felix. It takes way more than six strokes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop," she said into her phone. Her expression changed from mildly irritated to hostile. "I didn't even have time to, asshole. Do yourself a favor. Lose my number."_

_I was in love. _

_I figured out quickly that she only ate at the deli on Mondays and Wednesdays. It took sixteen days for her to notice me. She smiled and said "Thank you" when I held the door for her. Another nineteen days passed, and I finally worked up the courage to introduce myself._

_Her name was Bella, and she was the most beautiful, foul-mouthed angel I had ever laid eyes on. _

_After a couple of weeks of playful flirting and innocent touching, I asked her out. She accepted and agreed to meet me at Memo's Mexican Restaurant the following Friday evening. _

_She was on time and gorgeous the night of our date. There seemed to be a real, natural chemistry between the two of us as we walked to the table. Bella ordered a margarita and steak fajitas. I ordered a two for one of Budweiser on tap and a shrimp chimichanga. _

_**BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.**_

_I knew something was wrong after only a few bites. My mouth felt funny. I could actually feel my lips when they started to swell. Then the itching started. _

_I excused myself, cutting Bella off mid-sentence. I did a funky run-walk-shuffle straight to the men's room. One look in the mirror confirmed it. There were red splotches all over my face, and my lips could've taken on Angelina Jolie's and won. _

_I couldn't let Bella see me like that. I looked like some kind of freakazoid monster, and she was the woman of my dreams. I stopped on my way out and hand scrawled an apology with a brief explanation that there was a medical emergency. I wrote my number at the bottom and gave the hostess sixty bucks and the note to give to Bella. _

I haven't seen her since.

"Edward? Hello?" Tanya is snapping her fingers in my face.

Right. Tanya thinks she may have found her.

"Did you really find her?" I ask curiously. I've done everything possible to find her for the last six months but she isn't listed. Anywhere. I even searched Facebook a few times.

Tanya slides a white sheet of paper across the table. It's a Craigslist ad. The reply email catches my attention immediately, but "swan" doesn't necessarily mean _my _Swan. Then I see it, everything I've been looking for is right in front of me. Snippets from our dinner conversation (pre-shrimp bomb) fall into place.

_I'm from a tiny little town called Forks. _

_My dad is a cop. Well, he's THE cop, really. _

By the time I reach the part about the premature ejaculators, I know that this is she. This is my Bella.

"Tanya, I am so fucking thankful that you are an alcoholic vegetarian. Seriously, this is Bella. I can feel it."

"So, what are you going to do?" She eyes me curiously over the rim of her coffee cup.

"I'm going to convince her that I'm her guy. I like kids, and I can deal with wacky, so her family won't be an issue. She can bet I'll keep Mr. Massagy off of her."

**BPOV**

"Read this one," Heidi insists. It's been three weeks, and this shit never gets old.

_Dear handsoff,_

_It would be my pleasure to accompany you home for Thanksgiving. I can't afford a plane ticket east this year, so your offer sounds fantastic. I will happily share gas and other expenses for the drive to Forks and back. I'll even drive, if you prefer. I like kids. I'm actually studying to be a teacher. If your brother's kids like Spongebob, I'm in. I don't know what chakras are, but if you're okay with your mom handling mine, then I guess I'm okay with it too. My dad took me to hunter safety courses as a child, so I know enough about guns to hopefully not embarrass you. I prefer real turkey. In all honesty, I have no idea what Tofurkey is. Wait. I Googled it. Yeah, I'll take real turkey. I like sports, and I love beer, so your dad and I should get along fine. Finally, you have my word…I won't let anyone, including myself, touch you inappropriately, regardless of Gran's mad margarita skills. _

_Tony_

That's not funny at all. It's kind of sweet and a little bit dorky. Cute.

"I like this guy," Heidi says, nodding her head.

"No way! This whole thing is joke, Heidi. A joke. It isn't safe to meet people over the internet. What would I tell Charlie? I don't think 'Hey, Dad, I picked up a guy on Craigslist and brought him home for dinner' will go over very well."

"You'll tell Charlie and Renee that he is your boyfriend. This Tony guy is obviously willing to play the part, or he wouldn't have replied. Think about it, Bella. Arnold will keep his hands to himself, and your mom will be happy you have a boyfriend. You won't have to deal with her trying to set you up with random members of the Seattle Psychic Network anymore."

She's right. Heidi is an evil genius pimp.

We compose a response requesting more personal information. I want to know his age, height, hair color, living arrangements and what type of car he drives so I can compare the gas mileage with mine. Heidi wants to know his shoe size.

It takes him six long hours to reply.

His name is Tony Edwards. He is 6'3" and 23 years old. He has dark hair. He works at a book store close to campus while he works on his masters. He lives in an apartment. He has a roommate, but he rarely sees the guy because they work different shifts. He drives a silver Volvo C30 and wears a size 13. He has a shellfish allergy and a genuine curiosity about Reiki and chakras.

We email back and forth for a few days, and I can feel my resistance wearing thin. Thanksgiving is looming on the horizon. So, I make the first move and suggest meeting in person. Heidi and I devise a plan, and I invite him to meet me for coffee after work on Friday. There is no way I can just waltz into some coffee shop and meet up with a guy I found on Craigslist. That shit is just not safe. I grew up carrying my own bottled water to parties because of Charlie. I know exactly what kind of danger is lurking out there.

On Friday, Heidi enters the Starbucks before me, and I wait a few moments before following her inside. She is my undercover backup. If shit goes south, she has a phone and she knows jiu-jitsu.

I order a nonfat Pumpkin Spice Latte with whipped cream. While I'm waiting for my order, my phone chimes. It's a new text from Heidi.

_Ask the barista for a can of whipped cream. Tall, dark, and handsome just arrived. He's standing behind you and staring at your ass. Told you those jeans look good. _

I close the message and continue to face forward. Once I have my coffee in hand, I turn to make my way to a table.

Edward Cullen is standing two feet away from me.

I'm so shocked, I drop my latte. My ankle is covered in hot coffee, but all I can see is the beautiful asshole in front of me. Correction…the beautiful, rude, cheapskate, sexy asshole in front of me.

I try to brush past him. He steps directly into my path and won't budge.

"Just give me five minutes," he begs, shoving a white piece of paper into my hand.

I can't believe it. It is a printout of my Craigslist ad along with Tony's reply.

Edward is Tony. Add _big, fat fucking liar_ to the list.

"Oh, no," I say, backing away from him. The last thing I need is someone who will pull a Houdini and disappear before dessert.

"Bella, wait," he pleads. "There has to be a reason you answered me."

"Yeah, your reply was the only one out of three hundred and ninety two that didn't mention cock size, sexual prowess, or flat out beg for my cookie."

"You call it a cookie?"

I blush. _Cookie_ is the codeword Heidi and I use for it when we're trying to stealthily talk sex in public.

"Don't you worry about what I call my girly bits, Edward Cullen. You stood me up in the middle of our only date and stiffed me with a forty dollar tab. You didn't even finish one of your two beers. Oh, and just for future reference, it would be polite to at least wait for your date to finish her sentence before you skip out on her."

I turn my back to him and walk out the door. I hear his footsteps on the pavement before I hear his voice.

"I left sixty dollars and a note with the hostess. She promised to give it to you."

"Oh?" I spin around to face him. If I could breathe fire, I would roast his ass where he stands. "So as long as you cover the bill, it's okay to bail on your date?" I make the meanest bitchface I can muster. "Thanks for the heads up, asshole."

Heidi has finally made it out of the coffee shop and joined us on the sidewalk. Some bodyguard.

"Bella, what the hell is going on? Is this Tony? Why are you yelling?"

"No, there is no Tony. Tony is Edward. Edward is the two for one beer asshole!" I pause for effect, enjoying the way her nostrils flare and that Edward looks like he might piss his pants. "Yeah. THAT guy. Apparently, we can now add _psycho_ and _cyber stalker_ to the list."

"You have a list?" Edward pipes up, looking a little hopeful.

_Oh, COME ON with this shit. _

"Yes, a list of your finer attributes…rude, cheapskate, lying, creepy stalker. Shall I continue?"

Heidi chuckles. She's backing away, shaking her head.

"I'm just going to leave you two. Edward, good luck."

Then she disappears into the Friday night crowd with a tiny Miss America wave.

Heidi is an evil, traitorous, genius pimp.

"I got sick," Edward murmurs. I have two seconds to decide if I am going to stay and listen. I don't look at him because I want this to be an impartial decision. If I look at his beautiful, sexy self, I'm going to cave.

"I've loved shrimp my entire life. I've never had a reaction before. I cut you off because I could actually feel the hives starting to form. My lips were swelling, and I had to get to the hospital."

He sounds sincere, so I risk a glance. He looks honest enough, but he's fooled me before.

"Why didn't you let me help you? I could have driven you to the hospital." _If you're telling the truth. _

His cheeks turn pink, and I swear so do the tips of his damn sexy ears.

"I didn't want you to see me like that," he mumbles.

"I just added _vain_ to your list, Edward."

He laughs. "Can't catch a break with you."

I smile. _Charming_ should definitely be on the list.

"How did you find that ad? It's kind of creepy, Edward…the whole posing as someone else?"

"If you let me buy you a cup of coffee, I'll answer all your questions." He looks like sin and part of me wants to run for the hills, but I can't. He has a great sense of humor and, if nothing else, we could be great friends. And, if he's serious about this whole Forks thing, I could still get Renee off my back.

Maybe a long weekend with my crazy ass family is EXACTLY what Edward deserves for making me think I'd been ditched.

**EPOV**

She still smells like coconut. It makes me want the beach, or more specifically, her in a bikini on the beach with that fantastic ass-

"Edward?" Bella gives me a meaningful look, and then gestures to the barista.

"I'll have a Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha." I order the froufrou coffee, and then wince as I realize how manly I must seem.

Bella tries to hide a smile and fails miserably.

She hesitates when our order is ready. She studies me for a moment before turning and taking a seat on a sofa. I wait. I want to sit down next to her, but I have a feeling this chick could hand me my balls on a platter without even blinking.

She pats the seat next to her. "Let's get this over with," she says, resigned.

_Not very encouraging, Bella._

"I saw you the first time on Valentine's Day." I'm going to roll with honesty. If I'm going to lose her, I don't want it to be because of a half-assed effort on my part.

"Creepy, Edward. You're supposed to be aiming for _less _creepy."

_Why?_

_Why on Earth did I have to fall for such an exasperating woman?_

"I'm trying to be honest here. I was attracted to you, but you live in your own little world."

"My dad taught me to be…cautious when I was a kid. I think of everyone as a suspect. Now, stop stalling. How did you find me?"

"My friend, Tanya, found you. She's an alcoholic vegetarian. Oh, and she's also addicted to Craigslist. She trolls it nonstop. She buys stuff and sells stuff like a champ. Your ad caught her eye. She and her partner, Irina, helped me search for you so they knew your last name was Swan and a few…" _Shit. Please don't pick up on this, _"other things."

Her eyes narrow.

"You mentioned you were from Forks and said your dad was THE cop back home. The rest of it was surprising, but nothing I can't handle."

"_Presumptuous_. I'm adding it to the list," she says.

I close my eyes and rest my head against the back of the couch. "Are there any positive traits on this list?" When I open them, she doesn't look like she hates me anymore, which is good. But she doesn't seem all that impressed with me either.

"There may be one or two," she says. And then she blushes.

I'm still in the game. I don't want her to add _cocky_ or _arrogant_ to the list, so I don't fistpump or back flip like I want to. She is attracted to me on some level, or she would have kneed me in the sack and left me crying on the sidewalk.

I press on. "I was sure you wouldn't answer my reply if you had any idea. You made it pretty clear you didn't want to see me when you quit coming to the deli." She nods. "I am sorry about the subterfuge, but it isn't a complete lie. My middle name is Anthony and my grandfather called me Tony when he was still alive."

She scoffs. I carry on before she can interrupt. "Look, I just wanted to apologize. I am very sorry for running out on you like that. I'm also sorry the hostess stole the money I intended to pay for your dinner. I didn't realize what happened or how things looked. I'd like a redo, if possible."

She looks troubled.

"I answered your response because it really would benefit me to take a guy home for Thanksgiving. You should know that up front. I'm not promising you anything. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business."

"I'll take that under advisement."

It isn't ideal, but I'll take whatever she'll give me at this point. I can win her over. I'm sure of it. There isn't any other option. I want this girl.

I don't want to overstep any boundaries, so I offer her my cell number as we exit the shop. "I meant what I said in my reply. I can't afford to go home to Chicago for Thanksgiving, so I really am free to go to Forks with you. You can call and let me know what you decide."

I panic as she takes my number and turns to leave. Everything inside me is screaming not to let her get away. If she decides not to call me, I won't see her again.

_The goal is to be less psycho. _

She stops and glances at me over shoulder. "Goodbye, Edward."

And then she smiles.

I'm frozen in place, staring at her back until she rounds the corner and disappears from sight.

I spend all day Saturday waiting on a call or a text. I receive neither. My roommate, Emmett, forces me out of the apartment and into a bar. We blow off chicks repeatedly. I'm busy thinking about Bella's ass, and Emmett knows Rose will castrate him if he shows up at her place later reeking of cheap hooker perfume.

At least he isn't gloating. He and Rose warned me from the very beginning to be honest and dump the Tony persona. Hindsight is a mother fucker.

Sunday, I Skype with Mom and Dad. She offers four times to pay for a plane ticket to Chicago for Thanksgiving. They're already footing the bill for my Christmas ticket, which makes me feel like a total loser. I let her down gently by telling her if all goes well I will be with my dream woman on Thanksgiving.

Big mistake_._

She fires five questions at me in a single breath. "What's her name? How old is she? How serious is it? How long have you been seeing her? Is she lovely? I bet she's lovely. Oh, Edward, this is fantastic! Maybe she can come home with you for Christmas…"

I could bang my head repeatedly against my desk if we were talking by phone instead of via video chat. I miss the good old days. I thank every god in heaven when my cell phone chimes with a new text. I glance down without even looking at the phone.

"Sorry, Mom. That's Em. He's locked his keys in his Jeep again. Gotta go," I lie. Now is not the time for these sorts of questions.

I don't recognize the number, but the message is loud and clear.

_Memo's at 6:30 Friday. I'm bringing Heidi. I want to meet Tanya. An alcoholic, vegetarian, Craigslist addict, lesbian sounds too good to be true. _

I swallow. She's giving me a shot. Her text is light, playful even. My thumb is hovering over the keypad, and I'm just about to type a response when it hits me. This is a test.

I don't want to answer prematurely; that is the last trait I want Bella to add to my fucked-up list. I call Tanya and beg her to drop whatever plans she and Irina have for Friday night. She laughs as I explain why.

It's going to cost me. Tanya suggests bathroom clean-up duty at their apartment after their next party. I have to wonder for a moment if Bella is worth scrubbing two toilets the morning after Vomitpalooza. She is. I know it, and Tanya knows it. I concede.

"This is going to be fun," she says ecstatically. "Ask her to bring some of the replies to her ad. I'm sure there were some doozies!"

I'm fairly certain I'm already texting Bella before Tanya even hangs up.

_Tanya is in. She and Irina are a package deal. Is that okay?_

She replies quickly.

_Sure. You're paying. _

Of course I am. I try not to be offended. This is all part of the test, I'm sure.

_Absolutely. Um…Tanya thinks it would be interesting to read some of the responses you received for the ad... _

She doesn't answer right away. I'm starting to get a little nervous. She did call me _creepy. _Or was it _stalker? _Jesus, I think maybe it was both. Maybe she thinks I want to creep on her emails now…

_Sorry. Had to pee. The responses have definitely been interesting. Heidi and I have been keeping a running list of the best ones. I'll bring it on Friday. See you then. Don't order the shrimp chimi, I hear it's a killer. _

Now is the time to break out the fistpumps. I have a date with Bella.

Sort of.

**BPOV**

_This is not a date. _

_This is not a date. _

_This is not a date. _

I repeat it over and over in my head as I step into Memo's Friday night. I'm working on convincing myself that it won't matter if he no-shows or bails tonight. We're fifteen minutes late, and I didn't see a Volvo in the parking lot.

This is Heidi's fault. She claims the best way to determine a man's potential is observing him with the women in his life. Since Edward's mother is in Chicago, Heidi wants to watch him interact with Tanya and Irina. Having a Psych major roommate sucks. Everything is a goddamned experiment to her.

I just want to make sure Tanya is real, because Edward really is way too pretty to be a creeper. I glance around nervously. Heidi elbows me lightly, pointing in the opposite direction.

Edward is seated at a large round table in the back. The moment he sees me, his eyes light up and his lip curls into a wicked half-grin.

I lick my lips. If this plays out right, I can get Renee off my back, avoid the pervert, _AND_ end my dry spell. There is no way a guy who looks this good and wears a size 13 could be a premature ejaculator. But first, I have to make sure he isn't a psycho stalker.

He stands when I reach the table, and he pulls out the chair next to his. Once Heidi and I are seated, he introduces us to Tanya and Irina. Heidi apologizes for our tardiness. She was in a study group this afternoon and lost track of the time.

"You should have seen poor Edward," Irina says, patting his arm. "He was checking his watch every thirty seconds."

She and Tanya laugh and tease him for a few minutes as Heidi and I order our drinks. The last time I ordered a margarita, things didn't end well for me. I choose sangria.

When the server disappears with our order, Tanya gives me the short version of finding my ad while searching for a free "Tofurkey Recipe Exchange" some coworker told her about. It was Forks that first caught her attention. She knew I was from Forks because I'd shared that much with Edward before he vamped on our date.

"Then when I read the part about your dad being a cop and saw "swan" in the return email address, I thought it would be a good idea to at least mention it to Edward. You know the rest," she says with a wave of her hand.

I smile because taking _psycho stalker _off the list is a major relief.

"How can you not be on Facebook?" Irina asks. "Edward searched Facebook, MySpace, Twitter…he even tried to Google you."

"You Googled me?" I may have to put it back on the list. Dammit. But it is kind of sweet. In a creepy way. Being around Edward is a constant state of confusion.

"Thanks, Irina," he mutters. "You just gave her a reason to add some new assholistic trait to my damn list."

He looks like a kicked puppy with big, sad eyes and a pouty lip. If the shrimp story holds up, I'm taking this hot goofball home with me for Thanksgiving.

"It's okay," I assure him. "I am on Facebook."

"She gave herself a fake Facebook name to avoid her mother and the losers she went to high school with," Heidi informs them. "Do a search for Bobella Swansin."

"You have a fake Facebook name?" Edward asks, turning to face me fully.

_Um..._ He really shouldn't have done that. Imagining him naked makes me forget both my damn names.

I am saved the embarrassment of failing to form a full sentence as the server returns to deliver our drinks and take our dinner orders. Edward visibly shudders as Heidi orders a shrimp chimichanga.

I know an opening when I see one. "So, did Edward tell you about the shrimp chimi incident?" I ask casually.

"Tell us about it?" Tanya exaggerates. "We had to pick him up from the hospital. They gave him a heavy dose of some antihistamine that knocked his ass out until the next day. I drove his car back to our place."

And, we have a winner.

Heidi is beaming, and I can tell she agrees. She digs through her purse for a moment before bringing out a folded stack of papers. She hands them to Tanya, whose eyes light with mischief.

"Did you bring all of them?" she asks.

"No," Heidi answers. "Just our favorites."

"Oh my God," Irina laughs.

"Which one?" I ask. I reacted the same way to several of the replies on those papers.

"The doctor!" She laughs even harder.

Tanya takes the paper from her and reads aloud, "_I'm in my last year of medical school and I'd love to give you a dose of my two-ball cure all."_

"Is he fucking serious?" Edward asks angrily.

"Oh, wait," I say, laying my hand on his arm. "It gets better."

Tanya continues, "_I'll bring Jose Cuervo and a healthy dose of petercillan for you. Call me, babe. Dr. Peter Whitlock._" Irina is still trying to catch her breath.

**EPOV**

There is one from a lifeguard, boasting stamina and a hot bod. Another from an officer of the Seattle PD who has a handcuff/gun fetish. Bella downs what is left of her sangria after Tanya reads one from a truck driver. She orders another immediately.

Heidi reads one from some guy named Mike. Bella went to high school with him in Forks.

"_Well, well, if it isn't Bella Swan._ _How you doin_?" Heidi comically mimics some character from that show they rerun on TBS all the time. "_I would love to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my first holiday as a born-again bachelor. Jess and I just couldn't pretend anymore. She took the kids, and I quit my job at the factory so I wouldn't have to pay her whoring ass any child support. I'm hanging at Mom and Dad's crib and working for cash at Dad's store."_

Heidi pauses to drink half of her daiquiri. "This guy is such an unbelievable asshole," she says.

I have to agree.

She continues, "_We need to hook up when you get into town Wednesday night. I could get us a room at the hotel. We could get to know each other like we always wanted to."_

Heidi points one finger at her ear and twirls it in a circle seconds before the food arrives, providing a much needed break from Bella's cyber-admirers.

I want to know why she answered me. More importantly, I want to know if she answered anyone else. The very idea of it has me stabbing the steak for my fajitas a little too roughly.

Bella glances at me and smiles.

"So, how many of them did you respond to?"

The entire table freezes. Tanya looks horrified, and Irina winces a little. I've said something bad. I should look at Bella to gauge her reaction, but I'm scared to.

It seemed like a harmless question.

"Two," Bella says with a laugh. "I replied to Mike and told him if he mentions the ad to another living soul, I will tell Jessica and all of Forks that he offered me that tiny department store diamond before he gave it to her. I may have also mentioned telling her about his cash job if he opened his big mouth, but I am pretty sure I am going to tell her that part even if he manages to keep his trap shut."

Then she looks me right in the eye. "The other one was some guy who said his name was Tony."

Tanya and Irina are breathing again, and Bella is smiling, so I allow myself a moment to feel relieved.

_She picked me. _

I stare at her. I can't help it. Bella Swan is sitting next to me laughing and talking with my best friends. I've imagined her in dozens of scenarios, most of which include some form of nudity, but this is so much better. Now, I really, really want this girl.

We linger in front of the restaurant after dinner. Heidi begs off to meet some friends from school at a nearby bar. Tanya and Irina have performed their good deed for the night, so they leave us as well.

"Do you need a ride?" Bella offers. Immediately, I think of her in reverse cowgirl, looking over her shoulder at me.

"Sure." I can come back tomorrow for my bike.

I follow her to a white Camry in the parking lot. She seems a little startled when I open her car door for her. I want to rewrite everything she thinks about me. Give her a new list. A good list.

When we arrive at my building, she parks next to the Volvo and cuts the engine. Then she surprises me by exiting the car. I follow quickly and meet her as she leans against the trunk.

"My family is nuts. Are you absolutely sure you want to go to Forks?" she asks dubiously.

"Positive." God's honest truth. I would follow her (and her fantastic ass) to the ends of the earth and back, battling small children, perverted massage therapists, and crazy relatives along the way.

"Okay," she says. She pushes away from the Camry and steps directly in front me. "We should probably practice. They're going to expect us to kiss…"

I pull her to me before she has a chance to change her mind, wrapping my left arm around her waist while using my right hand to tilt her chin back so I can look her in the eye.

"Not a problem."

Then, I lean in and knock the socks right off of Bella Swan. I kiss her top lip first before sucking gently on her bottom lip and nibbling it with my teeth. Her lips part as she grabs my shirt with both hands and cages herself between my body and her car. I lose track of whose tongue is where when she buries one hand in my hair and pulls. Hard.

We make out like a couple of horny teenagers until Bella's cell phone rings, interrupting us. She takes one look at the screen, hisses the word "Renee," and promptly ignores the call.

"If you kiss me like that in front of Charlie, he will shoot you," she whispers.

I convince her to come up for a while. Practice makes perfect.

**BPOV**

Edward and I decide to leave Seattle Wednesday morning since neither of us have classes or work. He arrives ten minutes early and hands me a Starbucks cup before reaching for my suitcase.

Pumpkin Spice Latte. _Attentive. _

I leave a quick note for Heidi and herd the dog into his kennel. Edward waits patiently as I double check all the locks. He arranges the luggage as I settle in the passenger seat. I'm glad he offered to drive. This is going to be a much more comfortable ride.

He ducks into his seat and leans across the console to kiss me. I've spent three of the last five nights in his bed, and he still manages to give me chill bumps with a simple kiss.

Heidi nearly died when I texted her Friday night to let her know I would be staying with Edward. I texted his address and license plate number, so they could find my body if necessary. She started drunk texting me about Edward's shoe size being totally worth the gamble. Then, Renee started texting me too. Something about a shift in my energy and a strange horoscope.

I did what any self-respecting girl with half a brain would do on the third date (counting Starbucks). I turned my phone off and let Edward Cullen seduce me.

And I am so glad I did.

He grins. "You were thinking about being naked with me."

"So?"

_Smug. _It looks good on Edward Cullen. Everything looks good on Edward Cullen. And he looks beyond good in nothing at all.

He starts the car and we make small talk until we hit the 101. I take a deep breath and try to think of the best way to prepare him to meet my family. They can be a bit…overwhelming…at times.

I cover the important parts, "Dad likes guns and owns lots of them. Mom works at home as a palm reader, tarot reader, and Reiki Master. She even has a neon sign. Gran and Grandpa are normal. Well, they like to booze it up every now and then, but other than that, they are average grandparents.

"My brother, Jasper, is an antisocial park ranger. Alice, my sister-in-law, is a stay-at-home mom and part-time psychic with a latex allergy and an aversion to hormonal birth control. Mom tried to teach her about natural family planning after the twins, Jacob and Paul, were born eight years ago. She tried again two years later, after Eric was born. Alice finally admitted she has 'issues' with counting after Ty was born three years ago. Nine months ago, we all realized she also has trouble reading a basal thermometer."

"Jesus," he exhales. "Your brother has four kids?"

"More like four point five. Alice is due to pop out number five in a couple of weeks. She swears this one is a girl."

"She isn't very good at the 'psychic' thing, is she?"

I just laugh. "It's more of a random deal with Alice. She's kooky, but she is accurate."

"And the pervert?" He glances at me curiously.

"Arnold Stephens. Graduated with Jasper, got accepted into the pre-med program at some school in Arizona, changed his major and became a massage therapist. Broke his parents' hearts. Then, after graduation, he changed his name to Aro. Just Aro. Like he's Yanni or something. His parents take a cruise every year the week of Thanksgiving, so Renee invites him to dinner. She's a sucker for strays."

"History?"

"None!" I assure him. "Well, unless you count a few holiday gropes."

"Not this year," he says, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. "I'm going to be the only one groping you this year."

**EPOV**

Famous last words. There will be no groping in the Swan house.

Charlie Swan is an intimidating man. Emo lumberjack meets _Law and Order_. He mumbles a lot as Bella introduces us, begrudgingly shakes my hand, and then takes her luggage away from me so he can carry it himself. He throws his arm around her shoulder, leading her away as I scramble to get my own things out of the Volvo.

Renee Swan is surprisingly normal. She is wearing jeans, a brown sweater, and a pair of tone-up sneakers. She looks kind of like…my mom, certainly not the gypsy I'd envisioned. Her warm, friendly personality is a relief since her husband seems intent on killing me with silence.

Bella and Renee make sandwiches together as Chief Swan stares me down at the tiny kitchen table. I try not to squirm like a bitch, or confess to cheating on a spelling test in sixth grade. And, by the grace of God, I manage not to look at Bella's jean-clad ass even though I can see it hovering in my periphery.

After lunch, Charlie asks Bella to help him with some shopping. Bella seems hesitant to leave me with her mother, but I will gladly take my chances with Renee if it makes Charlie happy.

Of course, I don't realize the full implications of being alone with Renee until she closes the door behind them, claps her hands together and says, "Follow me."

_Oh, shit._

I comply. What choice do I have?

It was a trick. Divide and conquer. Renee was the evil one all along, and I fell right into her trap. She pauses at a closed door just past the ground floor bathroom and says, "We should get to know each other, Edward. I have a feeling Bella has finally met her match."

She opens the door, and I reluctantly follow her into her office. Other than a long, sheet covered table in the center of the room, it looks like an ordinary home office.

"We'll start with your cards," she says as she removes a small wooden box from a desk drawer. She takes a Zippo and lights a small bundle of dried weeds and waves it around in front me. Sage. This must be the smudging thing Bella told me about. I stand still and let her do what she needs to do to get this over with.

Then, she pulls out a stack of cards wrapped lightly in red silk. Evidently, those need smudging too, because she waves the smoking sage over them as well. She hands them to me as she instructs me to shuffle them and cut them three times.

She frowns when she discovers I am a Gemini. Evidently, Gemini and Virgo are not typically compatible. Star-crossed and short-lived. Good thing I don't believe in stuff like zodiac compatibility.

"Charlie and I aren't 'compatible' according to the charts, either. A strong male Taurus and a fickle Libra? Automatic failure. But we've been happy for thirty years together." She smiles. "Soulmates trump every other cosmic influence."

_Good to know. _

She places several cards face up on the desk between us.

"This," she says, pointing, "is your past, The Four of Cups. Wanting a lover, wondering if there is hope for reconciliation. Trying to work things out." She pauses looking at the next card. She taps it lightly. "This is your present, Justice. You are reviewing the quality of your love life and relationship and will realize it's exactly what you want- quality, not quantity." She moves her hand to the next card, continuing with a smile, "The Two of Cups! What a wonderful future! It represents the balance of ideas and plans with a kindred soul."

_And, she has lost me. _

"Uh oh," she clucks, tapping on the last card. "This is what is crossing you, Four of Pentacles. There will be obstacles in your path, but if both you and Bella are in accord and want to be together, the obstacles can be overcome."

_Charlie_. Charlie is the immediate obstacle in my path.

"Okay, Edward. I'm sensing the anxiety rolling off of you. You need some work on your Solar Plexus Chakra. Get up on the table."

"Where should I put my clothes?" _I'll drop the outer layers, but I'm keeping my boxer briefs._

"Keep them on. Reiki isn't like a normal massage. You won't feel a thing."

**BPOV**

"Please tell me you did not try to take off your clothes in front of my mother."

He cringes and mumbles, "I didn't try to take my clothes off in front of your mother."

Dad and I spent the day picking up last minute necessities for a Swan family holiday. Six cases of beer. A bottle of wine. Two bottles of Jose Cuervo. Several bottles of margarita mix. He even remembered to pick up juice boxes for the boys.

Edward was waiting for me at the front door when we got home. He pulled me up the stairs and into my bedroom and gave me the abbreviated version of his afternoon with my mom.

I am glad he asked, instead of stripping while her back was turned.

"Is she going to tell your dad?" he asks.

"No," I assure him. "She wouldn't do that. She likes you, AND she said our auras mesh well together."

"I don't think your dad likes me."

"He doesn't," I admit. "But he never likes anyone I date, and Mom wears the pants in the family."

He still seems bummed, so I decide a distraction is in order. I kiss him while lowering the zipper of his pants. I've almost worked my hand inside when a loud knock sounds on the door.

"Dinner," Charlie yells.

Edward removes my hand from his pants and zips them up quickly.

"Are you trying to get me killed?" he whispers.

"Don't be so dramatic."

"Dramatic?" He runs a hand through his hair. "Bella, I keep expecting your father to whip a pistol out of a hidden, old-man, leg garter and shoot me in the face at any given moment."

I sigh. He probably isn't going to touch me at all this weekend if he is worried about Dad at every turn.

We join my parents in the kitchen for vegetable stir fry. Occasionally, Renee will eat fish and seafood, but she won't cook any other type of meat. Dad is allowed to eat whatever he wants as long as he knows how to cook it. I am the one stuck with turkey duty tomorrow.

Edward and I clean the dishes as my parents argue over which movie to watch. My dad is sick of seeing Ryan Reynolds in a codpiece.

They flip a coin, and Dad grumbles through the entire movie.

I can barely keep my eyes open, so I suggest turning in early. We need to be well rested for tomorrow's festivities. Edward and I are almost at the stairs when Charlie calls out, "Where do you think you're going?"

I turn in time to see Charlie toss a pillow and blanket onto the sofa. I glare at him as I place my hand on my hip. There is a big warm bed in my room with plenty of room for Edward. There is no reason to exile him to the sofa.

Edward clears his throat.

"My bag is in Bella's room. I'll just grab my sweats."

**EPOV**

Thanksgiving morning Charlie wakes me by kicking the couch. He leans over, eyes me, and says, "Get up. We're going hunting."

"Bella bought a turkey. We're good, Chief," I mumble as I roll onto my side and cover my head with the pillow.

He pulls it away and tosses it onto the chair across the room. "Edward, get off my couch. This field trip isn't optional."

I swallow.

I pissed off the chief. I was half asleep and he barked at me.

I force myself off the couch and up the stairs to Bella's room. The light is on, and her bed is perfectly made. A shower seems pointless, so I change into the camouflage cargo pants she convinced me to bring on the off chance this might happen.

After a quick trip to the bathroom, the scent of coffee leads me straight to Bella. She is in the kitchen, chopping fruit and tossing it in a bowl of oatmeal. Charlie is standing next to her, so I make a point of staring at her ponytail instead of the yoga pants currently hugging her ass. He barely gives me time to say hello to Bella and Renee, before pushing me out the back door.

Charlie's idea of hunting is driving to the diner and ordering two bacon, mayonnaise, and tomato sandwiches.

"I love my wife, Edward, but I can't give up bacon," he mumbles while chewing.

I don't blame him, so I nod and wolf down my own sandwich.

"Renee says if you survive this weekend, you're _the_ _one." _

He's trying not to sound bitter, but by being _the one, _I am automatically the villain of the story. And what does he mean "survive"?

Dealing with the family all weekend?

Or making it out alive?

He doesn't expound and barely speaks to me as we drive to some place called The Lodge_. _It sounds a little shady, but the only action going on in the parking lot is a Christmas tree sale. Charlie makes his selection and pays before the two of us load it into the bed of the old rusty Chevy we've been riding around in all morning.

Renee won't decorate until tomorrow, so Charlie and I leave the tree on the back porch when we arrive at the Swan house. I have just enough time to give Bella a quick kiss before she insists I shower and change for dinner. Her brother and grandparents will be here soon, and she wants me with her when that Arnold fucker shows up.

Bella's grandparents arrive first. Her grandmother kisses me on the cheek after introductions.

"He is a beautiful boy, Bella," she says with a bright smile.

Charlie chuckles. I try not to cringe.

"Dad," Bella warns.

He smiles, probably because his mother just completely emasculated me in front of Bella.

Then there are three little boys wrapped around his legs. He growls and tickles until they pull him to the ground and pile on top of him. Bella introduces me to her brother as he drops a chubby, smaller boy onto Charlie's gut.

Alice introduces herself and points her children out individually as she tells me their names. She points to her belly and says, "This one is Samantha or Samuel. Sam either way."

There is a knock, and Alice moves to open the door. I straighten my back, puff out my chest, and pull Bella tightly against my side.

_Game on. _

A short guy with pale skin and stringy black hair walks into the room. His black button-up shirt has some kind of glitter in the material and tucked in at the collar there is a purple…

"Is he wearing an ascot?" I ask quietly.

Bella giggles, and we escape to the kitchen after she introduces me as her man and I crush Aro's cold, bony hand in greeting.

**BPOV**

Edward is right beside me, carrying dishes to the table, and impressing the hell out of Gran. All the other men are watching TV while waiting for an imaginary dinner bell to ring. I don't know if Edward is taking the human shield thing seriously or just avoiding Dad, but he is content sipping Vitamin R and toting roasted asparagus from the kitchen to the dining room.

Mom and Arnold are the only ones partaking of the Tofurkey, so she leaves it in the kitchen and the two of them cut portions before joining the rest of us. Charlie is at one end of the dining room table, and Grandpa is at the other. Jasper, Mom and Gran are seated across from us. Edward sits between Arnold and me. Alice takes a spot at the kiddie table so she can referee while eating.

Gran says a long, traditional Thanksgiving prayer. Renee follows up by thanking her gods and goddesses and Mother Earth. Jasper is hungry and exasperated.

"Good bread, good meat, thank God, let's eat," he mutters.

A moment later, Alice sways a little in her seat. Her eyes are unfocused, and she's mumbling incoherently.

_Of course. She just has to have one of her "moments" in front of Edward. _

A few moments later, she smiles at me and says, "By the end of tonight, six people will see your tattoo."

Alice may not be able to "see" things like, oh, I don't know, her own fertile days or the genders of any of her children, but she has always been spot on with forecasting my doom. Until now. I am not considering a job as a stripper, especially in this rinky-dink town, so there is no possible way six people will see my tattoo tonight.

Edward frowns, probably at the idea of anyone but him seeing my naked hip. I squeeze his thigh in reassurance. Something brushes against the back of my hand. I look down and see Arnold's hand resting on Edward's other leg.

_Mine. _

I keep my eye on it as my own right hand inches across the table. The closest weapon I can find is the carving knife, and it gleams in the air as I hold it above Arnold's wrist.

"Get your hand off my boyfriend."

**EPOV**

_Bella is waving a knife over my dick. _

_Holy Fuck._

_Bella is waving a knife over my dick._

**BPOV**

"Bella, please," Edward begs. "Put the knife down, baby."

Like I would ever, in a billion years, cut his dick off. Guys are such babies when it comes to their precious penises. Still, I don't like seeing him petrified, so I toss it back onto the turkey platter. He breathes a huge sigh of relief before grabbing Arnold's fingers and bending them backwards until the little pervert falls out of his chair begging for mercy.

"Way to go, Bella," Jasper says, pointing to the boys.

All of my nephews have placed their hands over their crotches at the kiddie table.

_Ah, shit. _

People really shouldn't allow me anywhere near their children. I could win an award for being the worst aunt in the world.

Mom switches seats with Arnold, and it seems he has the decency not to feel up elderly women, because the rest of dinner is quiet and normal. Well, as normal as our family can manage, anyway.

Mom and Jasper do the dishes since I cooked the meal. I sit in the kitchen with them, watching as Gran measures ingredients into a fancy new blender. Edward pops in to grab more beer for the game.

"Charlie," Gran yells, glancing at the stack of cold ones in the crook of Edward's arm. "Don't let your father have any more beer! The last time he drank more than three and took his medication, his blood pressure dropped."

"Is Grandpa sick?" I ask, trying not to panic.

"Oh no, honey," she says. "Grandpa's doc said not to mix alcohol and Viagra at his age."

"Oh, my fucking-" The sound of the high-powered blender drowns out my response.

Edward tries not to laugh as he hands me the beer he intended for Grandpa. I kill it and pray Gran gets the Cuervo flowing soon.

Alice looks more and more uncomfortable as the day progresses. She makes four trips to the bathroom during the football game. When she comes back the last time, she leans over and whispers something into Jasper's ear.

He jumps up from his place on the couch. "Now?"

She nods. Alice is in labor. And we're all drunk. Well, Grandpa isn't, but he might be hyped up on Viagra.

My parents and grandparents start bustling around eagerly. Somehow, they form a coherent plan. Alice's bag has been packed and in the minivan for two weeks. Grandpa will drive since he is the only person sober enough to do it. They will all go with Alice to the hospital for the birth. Edward and I will watch the kids.

_Wait, what?_

"Jasper, I have no idea what to do with ONE kid, and you want to leave me with a litter?"

"Come on, Bella," he pleads. "I've called Alice's sister, Angela. She is on her way to pick them up. It will be twenty minutes. Tops."

Edward assures Jasper we can handle it. Alice kisses each of the boys on the cheek and tells them all how much she loves them. She may be a nitwit, but she is a good mom to my nephews, and my brother never looks unhappy.

"Good luck," I tell her as I hug her goodbye.

They all pile into Jasper's minivan and disappear into the night.

Twenty minutes ends up being more like forty minutes and one more margarita. Angela is apologetic, but she had just helped her own kids into the bath when Jasper called.

**EPOV**

Bella leans against the door after saying goodbye to her nephews and Angela.

"Are you ready to run away screaming yet?" she teases.

I shake my head. What I am ready for involves screaming of a wholly different nature. Bella pushes away from the door and walks slowly across the room until she is standing right in front of me.

"Not a chance." I grin as I slide my fingers inside her jeans and pull her body against mine. She smiles and giggles until I unbutton them. She runs her teeth across her bottom lip, drawing it lightly into her mouth. And I lose my shit.

Well, not literally, but I rip her clothes off like some kind of caveman before dropping trou. She laughs as her hand disappears behind her back. My tongue licks my lips without forethought or permission. My eyes are locked on her chest because I know in about five seconds I'm going to see her tits again.

5….

4….

3….

She shrugs, lifts her hands, and pulls on the thick satin straps…

2….

1….

_Ahhhh. _

She pushes me back as she advances. My knees hit the sofa, and I sink onto it, pants still around my ankles. I trace my finger up her thigh and hook it inside the satin boyshorts, letting my knuckle graze her clit.

She pushes them down her hips before I can straighten my finger.

"Skip it," she says tersely, as she straddles me. "_One_…I'm drunk. _B…_I'm horny. _Three…_we're finally alone. Now, give me my happy ending," she moans as she dips and swivels before lowering herself. I watch as my dick slowly disappears inside her. My hands settle on her waist, holding her in place just long enough to prevent an early detonation.

_If I watch myself fuck her, I am going to blow my load. _

_If I play with her tits, I am going to blow my load. _

_If I kiss her, I am going to blow my load. _

_Fuck._

Drunk, brazen Bella is a voodoo sex goddess, so I do the only thing I can do. I lean back against the cushions, let her fuck me, and pray that I have time to get her off too. Keeping one hand on her waist, I thrust as she rocks against me. The thumb of my other hand is hard at work, rubbing and teasing and doing everything in my power to make her cookie crumble.

She grips both of my shoulders tightly as she drops her forehead against mine.

"Yes, yes, yes," she chants, going limp in my arms.

_Fucking Amen. _

She's there. I keep a grueling pace as she throws her head back, clenching and moaning, with her legs and arms wrapped loosely around me. Once I am satisfied that I have fucked her senseless, I wrap my arms around her shoulders and bite down on the swell of her breast as I finally surrender to the best damn orgasm of my life.

She rests her head on my shoulder and I close my eyes as I hold her against me, reveling in the feel of her damp skin and the scent of sex all around us.

**BPOV**

Someone is giggling. Alice is giggling, and Edward is shaking me. "Bella, wake up. Please wake up."

I open my eyes to find my parents, Jasper, Alice and my grandparents standing a few feet away, just inside the front door.

"False alarm," Alice giggles.

"Bella, dear, is that a Mr. Yuk tattoo?" Gran steps forward to get a closer look. AT MY COOKIE.

_Oh my GOD. _

Edward is trying desperately to cover us up.

"Renee." Charlie hasn't moved an inch. His hands are on his hips, thumbs twitching back and forth.

"Yes, dear," she answers.

"Hide the key to the gun safe," he growls.

"I took care of that yesterday after I read Edward's cards." She winks at me as she pulls my father from the room.

_Damn. Never bet against Alice._

**-o-**

**A/N: ****There are a few futuretakes I can do for these kids. And I've tentatively started working on an outtake called "How They Ended Up Naked." It covers what happened at Edward's apartment that first night. If you are interested, hit Story Alert or Author Alert. **

**Reviews might cheer up poor Tofurkeyward and help him get over his embarrassment a little quicker. **

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**Thank you for reading!**


	2. How They Ended Up Naked outtake

**S Meyer owns Twilight. I own a few new goodies and some awesome chocolate thanks to MrSpaceCowboy's generous heart. **

**I didn't even realize that I cockblocked you guys in true SM fashion when I left Bella and Edward in his parking lot. It wasn't intentional. I was worried about the word count limits of the contest. **

**I figure Valentine's Day is a good day to post a little pointless, plot-less fluff. **

**This outtake picks up BPOV in the parking lot after dinner at Memo's. **

**~o~**

**BPOV**

It's just one little kiss. A little _chemistry _test.

But the way he looks at me ignites a heat in places that have been cold and vacant way too long. I watch his mouth as he leans in, but my eyes close the moment I feel the first brush of his lips against my own.

_Holy Shit. This man can kiss. _

I am overwhelmed by the sudden need to get horizontal with Edward. But we're in a parking lot, and asphalt leaves a nasty burn. I pull him against me when my back hits the car.

_Yes. Size 13. _

Heidi might be onto something. Maybe having an evil genius pimp for a roommate isn't such a bad thing.

Thank God he's not shy. He doesn't bother to pull away. If anything, he's trying to get closer. His hips are digging into mine, and I let my fingers drift into the sexy hair that attracted me to him in the first place.

_Please, please, please. I've been a really good girl this year. Please don't let him be a two-pump chump. _

My phone rings, and I'm pretty sure it is Heidi checking up on me. I reluctantly push Edward away, so I can dig it out of my pocket.

"Renee." _Why would my mother be calling at eight o'clock on a Friday night?_

I ignore it. If it is an emergency, she'll call back. "If you kiss me like that in front of Charlie, he will shoot you," I whisper.

"That would be bad," he murmurs.

"Very bad."

"So, you could come up for a while," he says, peeking at me through dark, long lashes. "They say practice makes perfect." He whispers the last word against my lips.

Oh hell. If I go upstairs, there is like a ninety percent chance I am going to sleep with him. I need to make the decision now because if he rubs that lethal weapon against me again, I'm going to be toast.

"Give me your license," I tell him.

He looks at me like I'm mental, but there are certain precautions I should follow. Just in case. I lay it on the hood of my car and snap a picture of it with my phone. I attach it to a new text for Heidi:

_I'm going in. If I don't come home or text tomorrow, send the forensics team to this address. (See attached.) He drives a silver Volvo. Washington plates, number 462CAN._

"Did you just send someone a picture of my license?" he asks. He looks equal parts horrified and amused.

"Yes," I admit. "I also provided your license plate number, so if you kill me, rest assured you'll be caught."

He laughs. "Does this mean you'll come up?"

Then, he does something I don't expect. He holds his hand out to me. I think the last time I held hands with a guy was during my senior year of high school. Instead of wrapping my offered hand in his, he entwines our fingers. The feel of his palm against mine does strange things to my nethers. By the time we reach his apartment and he unlocks the door, I'm thinking the probability of getting nasty with him has risen to ninety-two percent.

His apartment is small, but it is much nicer and cleaner than I expected it to be. Most guys our age are slobs. The sound of the door closing behind me is disconcerting. I have no idea what to do now. I'm in a strange apartment with a strange man and, until thirty seconds ago, I was ready to at least contemplate getting naked with him.

"Would you like a beer?" he asks as he brushes past me. He turns on a light in what must be the kitchen.

"Sure." I follow him in and accept a bottle of Budweiser from him. "Is your roommate home tonight?"

"No, he is staying at his girlfriend's apartment tonight."

_We're alone. _

"So," I tell him. "I reread my very favorite response to the ad when Heidi printed out the list for the Tanya."

"Which one was your favorite?" he asks.

"Yours."

He sets his beer on the counter beside me as he steps in close. He leans, dragging his nose up the length of my neck until his lips are brushing the shell of my left ear.

"Is that so?" he whispers.

Fuck. Ninety-six percent.

My nipples agree.

"You were wrong, you know," I tell him. Maybe I should come clean, so he won't feel like such a stalker. "I noticed you a lot sooner than you think I did."

I side-eyed his ass up and down on several occasions.

"Really?" he asks. "So, you were ignoring my attempts to get your attention?"

"I didn't really think a guy who looks like you would be interested in me. I mean, I'm kind of plain and boring. Then, when you disappeared during our date, I really felt plain and boring. That's why I was such a bitch. I'm sorry." It's hard to say out loud, but I feel much better once it's out.

He laughs. "Bella, you are the least boring person I've ever met." He steps even closer. "There's nothing plain about you. You're beautiful. And maybe a little weird."

I can't even be offended by that.

"The first time I saw you, I noticed how insanely hot you are," I confess.

"The first time I saw you, I wanted to bite your ass," he replies.

_ONE HUNDRED PERCENT._

I should be alarmed, but, fuck, that's hot. And sweet. And he's seriously packin'. Edward Cullen is getting laid tonight. My stupid phone pings before I can jump him. It's a text reply from Heidi.

_OMG YOU ARE NOT! You lucky bitch. Um..size 13? WORTH IT. Sex w/bigfoot. Bahahaha. Damn. Even boy's license picture is hot. Like GQ. Did you feel it yet? Is it big like his feet? Yes or no. BTW, if you text in 5 mins saying it's over…__**I**__ am going to cry._

Lovely. Heidi is wasted, and I am not answering that question. She'll forget she asked it in about five minutes anyway. My phone pings again almost immediately.

This one is from my mother.

_Bella. I just checked our daily horoscopes and yours was interesting. I've been thinking about you all day, and, a little while ago, I sensed a shift in your energy…_

Seriously.

What. The. Fuck.

I'll read the rest of her message in the morning. I turn off my phone before tossing it on the counter behind me.

**EPOV**

"No more interruptions," she says, looking up at me shyly.

How a woman with a mouth as dirty as hers can look so innocent is beyond me. I need to kiss her again. I have her in my apartment. Alone. I want to kiss her everywhere she'll let me.

I start with her lips. To my surprise, she leans up on her toes to get closer, and it's an incredible feeling. Knowing she wants to kiss me again. So, I wrap my arms around her, pulling her closer. God, she's perfect. Small, but strong. Crazy and beautiful. And from the way her body is responding to mine, I'm guessing she's also horny.

I don't want to do this in the kitchen. For all I know, her last experience may have been with the asshat who didn't even bother to make sure she got off.

No. This should happen in my bed. If it happens. Fuck. Does she even want it to happen?

I'll give her an out. On the physical stuff, anyway.

I deliberately slow our kisses and distance my body from hers to keep her perky little nipples from changing my mind.

"There's a TV in my room," I mumble against her lips.

_Please hang out with me. I'll be patient. Really, I-_

"Is there a bed?" Her tongue peeks out to tease that damn lower lip.

I have her naked and spread out on it in less than four minutes. Which is an amazing feat considering the distance we cover and the articles of clothing we remove along the way. I kiss her mouth first, then her chin. She squirms as my lips tickle her neck, and her tits are as perfect as her ass, so I kiss those too.

How any jackass could pass up the opportunity to please this girl is beyond me.

She pushes on my shoulders and rocks her body against mine, and I can't help but smile as I trail my fingers lightly down her body.

One finger. She wiggles and grunts a little in frustration.

Two fingers. A sigh.

I kiss lower and lower until my mouth meets my hand. Damn. She tastes good. Tart, like the rest of her. A nice, lemony cookie.

I nibble and lick and work her with my hand until she slaps both hands down, pushes her hips up into my face, and, holy fuck, I'm holding her lower half in the air with an ass cheek in each hand.

It's like a dream come true.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The slope of her belly, the tips of her nipples, and the way she is pushing back against my pillow. Eyes closed. Lips parted. I can tell by her breathing and the subtle way her legs are starting to shake that she's close. I double my efforts, and I'm rewarded with a string of profanity that would make a sailor blush. And a few deities too, if I'm hearing her correctly.

It's so fucking hot; I want to see it again. So, I keep going until she does it again. I don't stop until she yanks me up by my hair. Reluctantly, I lower her to the bed.

She kisses me on the mouth, and, instead of being disgusted, tasting herself seems to make her even hotter.

_Jesus Christ, I'm so hard it hurts. _It is taking every bit of my willpower not to hump her leg.

"Do you have condoms?" she pants.

"No," I moan. "I haven't been with anyone since before…" I don't want her to put _crazy stalker _back on the list, so I don't finish that sentence. "Well, it's been a while. A long while. I didn't think to get any. I mean, I considered myself pretty fucking lucky to even get a second shot at dinner with you. I had no idea-"

"Edward," she interrupts. "I'm clean. Are you?"

_Bareback. _

_OhHolyMotherFuckingShit. _

_Bella is going to let me…_

Bella might not let me do anything if I keep staring at her like some kind of animal or start drooling on her tits.

"I've never had sex without a condom, and I just had a physical a few months ago," I tell her. "I'm good." I can feel her hand sliding between us. "Please tell me you're on the pill."

She laughs, squeezing my cock in her fist while rubbing the tip against her clit and then teasing me by only taking in the head before repeating the torture.

"If you knew my family, you would understand what a ridiculous question you just asked me. Yes, I am most definitely on the pill. And Edward?" Her eyes narrow. "If you give me some kind of VD, I'll shoot you myself."

She just threatened my life. Naked. And miraculously my dick is still hard.

I wait until she makes her move. Then I reach down and pull her hand away, pinning it to the bed and holding it there with my own. "It isn't nice to tease," I tell her, flexing my hips and giving her just a little. Her mouth falls open, and she tries to shift her hips to meet mine, but I don't give her the chance. I pull back and push forward an inch or two deeper than before. Her nails dig into my shoulders.

My self control is slipping.

"Edward," she whispers.

I bury myself inside her, and I watch her face as I do it. Her eyes close, and I know I have to kiss her again. Now that I've started, I can't seem to stop. Kissing her, I mean. Although I can already tell I'm not going to want to stop doing this either.

_Fuuuuuck._

Her lips become more and more demanding as I wrap her leg around my waist. And then it happens. My hand touches Bella's bare ass again. I may or may not have trailed it all the way up her thigh after the leg hitch move. Regardless, my hand is on her ass.

She still seems pretty satisfied, kissing me like crazy and grinding against me. So, I decide to make the most of the situation and give it a little squeeze.

She moans.

She fucking moans.

"Oh, God. I love your ass," I tell her. "I can't believe you're letting me touch it again."

"Really?" She's breathless. And breathtaking. "I'm letting you fuck me with no condom, and you can't believe I let you put your hand on my ass?"

And such a smart ass.

We've only been doing this for two minutes, and we've been talking half of that time. This is by far the weirdest, most awesome sex I've ever had. It can't possibly get any better than this.

"Do you like doggy?"

_Okay. Maybe I was wrong. It could get a little better. _

"I'm sorry?" My voice cracks like a little girl's.

She giggles until I shift and press her into the mattress. "Oh." Her eyes roll back and then close. "I don't know. You seem to have a strange fascination with my ass, and it's my favorite position." She blushes after her admission.

_I am going to marry this girl or die trying._

_I'm also going to convince her to let me bite her ass. _

But not tonight.

Tonight, I'm going to give her anything she wants. Maybe it will help convince her to pick me for forever.

**BPOV**

As he pulls away, I get a little angry with myself for suggesting the change in position. I scramble onto my hands and knees quickly. His chuckle is low and dark. The bastard knows I want it. Waggling my ass in his face must have given me away. I still when he finally touches me.

"Just give me a moment," he says quietly. "I'm enjoying the view."

I don't know whether to hit him or kiss him.

Instead, I go porn star on him. Leaning forward, I rest my weight on my left forearm. He grunts.

Good. My ass is exactly where I want it. In his face. I trail my right hand up my thigh and let it disappear between my legs.

Edward catches up quickly. "Not without me," he says as he finally gives me what I want.

Twice.

_Damn. _

I start to protest when he pulls out again, but he cuts me off. "I want to see your face."

It's so damn sweet, I can't argue. So far, he's done all the work, and I've reaped all the rewards. I'm thinking payback is in order. Scooting back, I motion for him to relax. He does. He also leans against the pillow with his hands behind his head. His lips are turned up in a self-satisfied smirk.

I don't rib him because he's earned it. I'm adding _cocky _to the list. Twice. Cocky. And COCKY.

Edward's eyes are slits as he watches me move over him. We're practically strangers, but he touches me like he's known my body for years, and I know if I'm not careful, I could really fall for this guy.

He sits up so he can kiss me. With both of his arms around me and his tongue in my mouth, I shift against him until he pulls me down hard and stills. He bites my lip gently as he grunts.

I'm exhausted, but too content to move. Having multiple orgasms is tiring. I'm just learning this of course, since tonight was a first.

"That was amazing," I mumble against his neck.

"I'm glad you approve," he laughs. "Does this mean I can be your real boyfriend?"

After all he went through to find me and the way he makes my stomach flutter and my body sing, I'm ready to move my stuff in and never leave his bed, but telling him that might freak him out. Since it's too soon to ask for a key, I settle for answering his question instead.

"Well," I tease, pausing to lean back so he can see that I mean what I'm about to say. "I think you've earned it."

_~o~_

**A/N- In my opinion, some of the best relationships can be built on friendship and fun. This B/E are fun to write because they're both a little crazy. **

**Happy Valentine's Day! **


	3. I'll Be Home For

**Hey hey, everybody! Happy Holidays! **

**Maple, this is for you, hon. **

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"Bella?" Alice looms over me, casting a shadow across the pages of my book. Jasper is snoring and drooling on his chin at the other end of my parents' couch in a post-Christmas dinner coma. Even though I should know better, I glance up at her. "Can you hold Sam for a minute? Ty needs me."

"MOM, I done!" my nephew shouts from the bathroom.

"Does he want a cookie or something?" I grumble, marking my place and dropping my book on the end table.

She leans over to lower a sleeping baby Sam into my arms. "No. He needs me to wipe his butt."

My mouth drops open, but I stay quiet in hopes that Sam will stay asleep. The only other time I've been this close to him was the day after he was born a couple of weeks ago. Edward and I drove all the way from Seattle just in time to see the family's newest addition piss on my brother's face during a diaper change.

Jasper kicked us out of the room for a half hour for laughing. Since then, I've kept my distance. Kids are cuter from afar, when you're not getting peed on or wiping asses.

"How long does that last?" I ask my dad.

"I think you caught on much more quickly than your brother. He had a real problem with chap-ass until first grade, I think."

"So, Alice has been wiping butts for eight years."

A satisfied smile graces my father's face for a moment before he schools it into indifference. "Yes. That's what happens when people settle down and have kids. Butt-wiping duty. There's also stomach viruses, snotty noses, diarrhea… All kinds of disgusting stuff."

"Huh." He thinks he's got me. All of those things gross me the hell out. Charlie just doesn't want me and Edward to get serious enough to have babies. It could be because he's seen all the parts necessary to make such a thing happen. "They're cute, though," I say, mostly to fuck with him. "And it can't be all bad or no one would have more than one."

"Since when do you talk about babies, Bella?" he asks, leaning forward in his chair to make sure Mom is still in the kitchen. "You don't have to listen to all that 'the one' stuff, you know. Take your time. Play the field. Don't worry about babies and nonsense."

"Dad."

"I'm serious. You're still in school. So is… he."

"His name is Edward, Dad."

"I know his damn name. I also know he wears Santa Yoda boxers and what his assprint looks like on my couch."

I laugh and have to stifle it, because the baby stirs in my arms. "Those boxers were a Secret Santa gift."

"It would have been nice if he had kept them on."

"Dad." He sighs and takes his time turning to look at me. "I really like him. It's not about Mom or his silly boxers. He's good to me." When that doesn't work, I try to be practical. "He has a job. He's graduating soon and already has an offer with an elementary school in Seattle. He loves his parents…" The scowl on his face slowly disappears. "And he's sweet. I could do a lot worse."

He coughs and picks up the remote. "I guess that's true."

"I think maybe Mom's right this time. This may sound insane, but he's fun. He likes my weirdness." That catches his attention. "And it bothers him that you don't like him. The fact that he cares so much about your opinion should count for something."

"He's just scared I'll shoot him."

"That, too," I admit.

He sighs, and what begins as a grimace morphs into a wry grin. "It's hard, okay? I knew he was a good guy when he didn't cut and run on Thanksgiving. I'm equal parts grateful and horrified he shielded you from view." His whole face scrunches for a moment.

"Yeah, we can never talk about that day again, and I'll be okay with it."

"Deal," he says. "But he stuck around for two days after that, sleeping on the crime scene, thinking I wanted to kill him."

"You didn't?"

He laughs quietly, glancing down at my nephew. "I did for about three minutes. Then your mom told me that if I did, I'd never get a granddaughter." He winks and leans back to relax in his chair as Alice walks back into the room.

"You okay?" Alice asks, holding out her arms to take Sam.

Finding out I might actually have a kid someday doesn't mean I have to start practicing now. I'm more than happy to return him before he pees on me or needs his butt wiped. World's Worst Aunts don't _do_ diaper changes.

"I'm fine."

"Come with me for second."

She turns and walks away before I have a chance to respond. I give up on my book, follow her up the stairs to my old bedroom, and close the door behind us after we enter. She fumbles in a gigantic diaper bag while balancing Sam with one arm.

"Here," she says, holding out a small gift bag. "This is from me, but I didn't want to give it to you in front of Charlie."

"Thank God for that," I say, pushing aside sparkly red tissue paper to reveal sheer red lingerie complete with fuzzy Santa lining. The bra has a pair of white fur balls hanging from a black silk bow. "Wow." White stockings, red garters… It's perfect.

Alice smiles and nods. "A little something for tomorrow night."

"Wait. You know about that?" I've been thinking of leaving tomorrow night instead of staying through dinner the following day like I had originally planned. Edward's flight is getting in late, and he has to work the next morning. He and I agreed I would stay here with my family.

But he's been in Chicago for five days.

I've never been needy in a relationship. That's not who I am. Before this trip home for Christmas, I've never really missed anyone.

I miss Edward, though.

I miss the way he makes me laugh. I miss the way he touches me all the time, even if it's just hand holding or his fingers on my back when we walk into a room together. And yeah, I miss his gigantic cock.

So I did what any desperately horny girlfriend would do. I texted Emmett this morning and asked him if he would be okay with letting me into their apartment tomorrow evening and then vacating the premises. He practically lives with Rosalie these days and readily agreed to the plan. All I have to do is break it to my family.

"Charlie will get over it," she says with a shrug. "He's going to like Edward. Someday. He just doesn't know it, yet."

"Alice, that might be the nicest news you've ever given me."

If she wasn't holding a sleeping time bomb, I'd hug the shit out of her. This sexy little gift is going to fit right in with my plan for tomorrow night. Edward and I exchanged gifts before parting ways for the holidays. I gave him a vintage canvas and leather military shoulder bag. He'll need something to carry his stuff in when he starts teaching. It's geeky and hot, like him.

He pulled out his stalker card and creeped my Goodreads account, specifically my "Want to Read" shelf. Nothing beats a man who'll buy you books for Christmas. He made the effort and wrapped them all by himself, too, and he didn't do a horrible job.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to give him something he's been wanting – the chance to go vampire on my ass. Well, the chance to finally bite it, anyway. Drawing blood is out of the question.

I have a feeling he'll like Alice's present just as much as I do.

Renee calls us downstairs and says it time for her favorite Christmas movie. Alice gets to cop out by mentioning that she and Jasper still have to make a stop at Angela's house before they can go home. My nephews line up with chocolate beards from all the candy Dad shoved into their stocking this morning.

"I'll see you soon," I say to Jasper when he wraps me in a sleepy hug. He's too tired to pick up on my subtle goodbye, but Alice gives me a knowing wink and a wave.

Edwards texts during the movie, and I have to turn in my seat to keep Grandma from reading his messages on my phone.

**I can't wait to see you Thursday. I have a surprise…**

Wait until he sees what I have in store for him on Wednesday.

**I have a little something for you, too…**

Little, red, and lethal. That's the plan.

Grandma nudges my leg with hers. "Talking to your fella?"

"Yes, Grandma. He's still in Chicago with his parents until tomorrow night."

"Ask him if he's wearing his Star Wars boxers," she whispers. "There's nothing wrong with a little sexting when your man looks like that, dear."

"Did you…?" She did. I know she did, so I stop myself mid-question. Sexually active grandparents are the worst. I don't _even_ want to know why she's bringing up sexting. The thought of Grandpa popping a little blue pill and hitting his Qwerty pad is enough to make my insides shrivel.

**I miss you.**

Edward's text gives me the courage to announce my intentions to the family.

"I think I'm going to head back to Seattle early, probably tomorrow after lunch."

"That will give you enough time to meet Edward's plane," Mom says. "Great idea."

"Yeah," Dad mutters. "Great."

Grandma pats my leg and leans in to say, "Get you some."

_Ewwwww._

Gross. Even though she's right. I have no intention of meeting Edward's plane – not when I can wait for him in his apartment in an outfit I know will stir his… Christmas spirit.

**EPOV**

The flight attendant gives the end of flight spiel with the rush that can only come from wanting to end the flight from hell. Some freak snowstorm hit Chicago this afternoon and delayed our departure by almost 90 minutes.

"I hate this part," Mom says, checking her seatbelt despite the fact that she hasn't unbuckled it since we left O'Hare.

Dad is snoring on the other side of her with his legs stretched out into the aisle. I hope the flight attendant runs over his foot with the cart. He insisted on taking the best seat and sticking me next to the window. He's been snoring since the pilot announced we were free to move about the cabin.

I've been awake listening to my mom complain about my uncle's ex-wife and his current girlfriend. My legs are numb, and I've needed to piss for more than a half hour.

"Carlisle, wake up." Mom elbows Dad in the side so he can return his seat to an upright position.

He stretches in his seat. "That was quick," he says.

"For you," I grumble.

"You know I need the aisle seat because of my knee." To prove his point he flexes his lower leg back and forth. "Golf injuries are serious business."

"Right," I agree. Catching the toe of your shoe in the 18th hole and ending up with a scalpel in your leg is a real accomplishment.

My mother hands each of us a piece of gum to halt our discussion as the plane descends. It's after 11 when we finally touch the runway and another half hour before there's a gate available for us. Being late sets off some sort of domino effect. The baggage takes forever to get to the carousel. One of mom's suitcases is missing. By the time we fill out the report with an agent, the rental car company has given away the small SUV my dad reserved and the only option left is a compact.

"I'll drive," I say, holding out my hand for the keys. "We'll pass the Watertown on the way to my place. That will give you an idea how to get back to the hotel after you drop me off."

Mom keeps up a constant chatter in the back seat during the drive to my apartment. She has plans for every single day this week. Dad hasn't taken her on a real vacation in two years. She surprised both of us with plane tickets for the two of them to come back with me to ring in the New Year in Seattle.

The real purpose of this trip is Bella. My mom wants to meet the girl I can't shut up about.

"Your dad and I want to treat you and Bella to dinner tomorrow night when you're done working."

"I don't know, Mom." I shake my head but keep my eyes on the road. "Bella will be driving back from Forks tomorrow. She may be tired."

_And I'm going to have to tell her you're here to meet her… And hope like hell she doesn't freak out._

I point out their hotel when we pass it and give my mom instructions on how to get back after they've dropped me off at home. I love them, but six days is enough. I'm ready to sleep in my own bed and for my parents to be under a different roof.

My building has never looked so good.

I find a parking place close to my unit and leave the car running but in park, hoping to make a quick escape. "I'll call you guys tomorrow when I'm off, okay?" I slam the trunk, heft my suitcase, and take a couple of steps toward my door. "Enjoy the Space Needle."

"Edward, wait!" My mother's voice followed by the sound of two car doors slamming stops me in my tracks. "I need to use your restroom. The airport bathroom was too crowded, and I didn't want to wait in line."

And the opportunity for a surprise parental inspection had nothing to with it, I'm sure. My mom hasn't been to Seattle since my graduation a couple of years ago. She likes to make sure we keep more than mustard and beer in the fridge, and she'll do a spot check to make sure I'm still making my bed every morning.

I'm pretty sure Bella and I left my sheets wrecked and didn't bother to look back the last morning we spent together before our respective trips home. From our texts last night, I can tell she's equally frustrated with her family and ready to be back in Seattle. Next year, we're going to find a way to stick together. There's safety in numbers.

"Sure, Mom." I wait for her and my dad, who's exaggerating a limp as they follow me to my apartment. A soft glow behind the shade tells me that Emmett left the lights of the Christmas tree plugged in when he left for Rosalie's.

Sure enough, white lights brighten the room. It takes a second for my eyes to sweep the room for Emmett's underwear, and I have to do a double take when I spot Bella standing a few feet away from the sofa wearing the naughtiest, most see-through, tiny red Christmas lingerie I've ever seen. And a Santa hat.

She steps forward slowly, drawing my attention to the red garters trailing down her thighs to secure white fishnet stockings. "Ho ho HOH MY GOD…" Her voice changes from sultry to panic. In a flash, she crouches, makes a run for the couch, and steps on the cushion to propel herself over the back and tumbles out of sight. "Ow…"

I'm frozen in place, suitcase still in hand, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.

"Bella?" I drop my luggage and step forward.

"Is she okay?" Mom asks from behind me.

_Fuuuuuuck. _

_Not again._

I rush over and find her on her knees, ass in the air, cringing with a finger over her lips. "Shhhh."

"Uh." I glance up at my parents and then down at my horrified girlfriend. "It's a little late for that," I say, quietly plucking a Seahawks blanket from the couch and holding it out for her as cover.

"Please tell me that that woman who looks just like you isn't your mother."

I help her up, making sure the blanket covers all the important stuff. "You look fucking fantastic," I whisper. "God, I missed you."

"I'll just…" Mom brushes by us on her way down the hall to the bathroom. "I'll be right back, Bella," she calls over her shoulder as the door closes behind her.

"Hi," Dad says, forgetting his limp since Mom is out of the room and can't bust him. He lifts an arm like he might try to hug Bella, remembers he just saw her half-naked, and settles on a handshake instead. "I'm Carlisle."

"Oh, my God." Bella clutches the fabric in a death grip with one hand and extends the other to my father. "I normally wear clothes," she blurts. "I don't dress like this all the time, I mean." Her cheeks get redder by the second. "Only for Edward."

That makes him laugh. "Well, that's good," he says. "Sorry to intrude. We had no idea you would be here."

"Yeah," she says. "It's a surprise."

"It most certainly is." He smiles and walks away from us toward the kitchen.

Before Bella can escape down the hall and to my room, my mom exits the bathroom and blocks her path.

"Hi," she says. "You must be Bella. I'm Esme."

Bella nods and checks her hold on the blanket. "Nice to meet you."

"We've heard so much about you. Edward says –"

"Esme," my father says, cutting her off at the pass. "It's been a long day for all of us. Let's leave them be and get to the hotel. My knee is feeling stiff, and I need to rest." He tugs my mother's sleeve, pulling her toward the door.

For the first time in a week, his bogus golf injury ends up being more than a means to make my mom dote on him. He likes the attention. At least now he's using it for good instead of evil. Bella hasn't said a word, but she has maneuvered her body so that mine is offering additional coverage.

"Oh, yes," Mom agrees. "I'm sure you two want to… catch up. We'll just see you tomorrow then for dinner, if Bella doesn't already have plans."

"No," Bella says, leaning from her spot behind me to wave goodbye. "No plans."

"Excellent." Dad is already outside, but Mom drops one last bomb on her way out the door. "Red is definitely your color, Bella. See you tomorrow."

The door closes behind them, and Bella's head drops against my back. "Holy shit. Talk about a surprise."

"Thank fuck they're gone," I say, turning and tugging at the blanket. "Time for me to unwrap you."

"How can you be horny at a time like this?" she asks.

"Easily." I toss the blanket on the couch and take a step back to appreciate the full view. Her eyes drop to my crotch, then her tongue peeks out to wet her bottom lip. "That phenomenal ass of yours was in the air like some kind of Christmas miracle." I take a slow step forward and rest my hands on her backside to puller her closer. "I want to bury my face in the skin under those furry little balls dangling under your tits." She tries to stifle her moan, but the way she wiggle-rubs my cock through my jeans is a dead giveaway. She's horny, too.

Before I can drop down on my knees to get started, she pulls me down the hall to my room. "We're going to need a bed for this," she says with promise. "Fuck rug burn." Her hands work fast, tugging my hoodie up and over my head, and then changing course to the zipper and button of my jeans. I do my small part to help by toeing out of my shoes. When I'm left with only socks, Bella nods her head. "This will work. Fuck, I've missed you."

Her Santa hat is crooked and gets knocked off when my fingers slip into her hair. She lifts up onto her toes to brush her lips over mine, teasing until I respond. She tastes of hot chocolate and whiskey, sweet with a burn.

"I missed you, too." She lets me lift her onto the bed and leans back to rest on her elbows.

"I love this." The lacy edges of her stockings are rough under the pads of my thumb. Her thighs tremble when I push her legs back until her feet are flat on the bed. She knows what's next. I'm going to kiss, suck, and nibble my way to the holy land.

A little teeth to the skin behind her knee is always a good way to start. I'm rewarded with her fingers in my hair. Soft kisses up her thigh earn a tug and some fingernail pressure. I push her leg forward to kiss all way down to her cheek.

"Bite it," she says, lifting her hips and pulling her leg back. "I want you to bite me."

"Are you whiskey-drunk?" I ask, lifting my head to be sure she's not impaired by alcohol or a concussion from her dive over the couch.

She laughs, moving a hand away to cover her mouth. "No. I'm not drunk, just curious and really horny. I haven't seen my boyfriend in almost a week."

"Get on your knees. I have to start from the beginning again."

She flips over with some assistance, and I tug her back by her calves. Her giggles are playful and cute, but halt with an _ohhhhh_ when my lips make purchase on the freckle above the backside of her knee. I work slower this time, taking my time and making her squirm.

Her entire body freezes when my teeth nip at the skin where leg meets ass. Her breathing slows and then catches as my fingers push aside the flimsy material covering her pussy.

I can feel the heat coming off of her, so I don't bother with a warm up. Two fingers slide over her clit first to tease. She tries to hump my hand as expected, so I let her. My teeth drag lightly over the swell of her ass the same time I put an end to her restlessness by sliding my hand lower to fuck her with my fingers. Two, because that's her favorite.

Since I have permission, I use my teeth to move the tiny sheer skirt covering her ass. She grinds against my hand while I kiss every area I can reach – ass, back, thighs – all over. When she finally curses and warmth rushes my hand, I lean in and catch her flesh between my teeth. Not hard enough to bruise or really hurt her, but hard enough to make the top half of her faceplant into my pillow, screaming and cursing in pleasure.

Since she's already there, I pull her closer and straighten my back. I leave one hand on her hip and use the other to push the barely-there panties out of the way and line us up. I watch as she eases back, taking in the tip. My eyes slip closed for a second but fly open when she starts to pull away.

"Easy," she says with an evil glint in her eye. "You're not the only one who can tease."

She pushes back against me, more than before but not all the way. Repeat. Fuck. I'm going to come before I even get my dick in if she keeps this up. Her hand disappears from view, then I feel her fingers on the underside. When she moves them higher to rub her clit, my hands move to grip her hips and I put an end to her slow torture by fucking her senseless.

After her second orgasm, she falls flat onto the bed, unable to support her own weight. It's the perfect opportunity to flip her over so I can see her face and finally rid her of the messy Santa skirt. We've pretty much demolished it, anyway.

Once the fabric is gone, she opens her legs wide in invitation. I'm more than happy to pick up where we left off, only this time I get to watch the white fuzzballs bounce against her chest with every thrust. As hard as I try, I can't make it to give her number three. Her nails dig into my back when I push her hard into the mattress.

We're a tangled, sweaty mess of limbs as we catch our breath. My heartbeat slows to normal, and I roll off of her, keeping our sides touching.

"Merry Christmas," she says.

I turn my head to rest my lips against her temple. "Merry Christmas."

* * *

><p><strong>AN – Special thanks to Iris for working her beta magic on this during this hectic time of year. **

**Thank you, M and Nic, too, for all that y'all do. **

**I wish all of you a healthy, happy New Year and the best life has to offer in 2015!**

**Take care. **

**MSC **


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